


Life Without Naruto

by MissMouse1421



Category: Naruto
Genre: Anger, Character Death, Dead Naruto, Depression, Explicit Language, Heavy Angst, I don't know what else to tag, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied Sexual Content, Life without Naruto, M/M, Ninja Universe, POV First Person, Sad Ending, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Seme Uzumaki Naruto, Tragic Romance, Traumatized Uchiha Sasuke, Uke Uchiha Sasuke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-31
Updated: 2015-03-31
Packaged: 2018-03-15 21:32:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3462797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissMouse1421/pseuds/MissMouse1421
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sasuke explains how his life has changed without Naruto in it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Life Without Naruto

**Author's Note:**

> So I don't know where this came from but I couldn't get it out of my head. What makes it even worse is that the actual Naruto series is over! "Life Without Naruto" Clearly I've turned into a masochist. But on the bright side this is my longest one shot so far! This story takes place from Sasuke's point of view. Please enjoy this heart-retching tale. X.X 
> 
> Disclaimer: The genius behind the masterpiece called Naruto is named Masashi Kishimoto!

Life without Naruto is _boring_.

I guess you could say my group of friends were a pretty rowdy bunch. Between Lee's never ending energy levels and Kiba's buffoonery, there was never a dull moment. At least, that's what most on lookers would say, but me, I found their enthusiasm tiresome. Ever since I came back home, someone- I'll give you one guess who- had the brilliant idea of planning an outing every Thursday for all of the gang to meet up and have dinner somewhere, and maybe even a couple of drinks if we had the next day off. Usually the evenings were tolerable with Naruto by my side constantly telling me to loosen up and stop being such a stick in the mud, but now, without him, it's become more of a chore than anything.

Yeah, I know. I sound like a bastard. What else is new? I don't hate them. It would take too much energy to hate them. And despite them being insufferable at times, they've been surprisingly supportive during this whole ordeal. I appreciate their concern, but that doesn't mean I want to spend countless nights sitting in some mediocre restaurant listening to Sakura, Ino and Hinata gossip, Shikamaru lecturing Choji on the importance of moderation, Ten Ten trying to get Neji's attention, Lee trying to convince Sai that wearing spandex makes you look more distinguished, and Shino randomly shouting out facts about bugs.

It was a gong show.

So why exactly am I still attending these dinners? The answer is simple. I have nothing better to do. On Thursdays, Naruto and I would eat dinner together on the couch. After our meal, and after 15 minutes of pointless arguing, we would finally agree on a movie to watch and spend the rest of the evening cuddled up next to each other. It wasn't special by any means. It was hardly romantic or exciting, but it was us. It was something that we did, something I could look forward to. Every Thursday. But now, my nights are free, and my only options are to sit at home, miserable and alone, or go out and be around my friends, still miserable, but at least I'm with people I know. People I'm used to.

Something familiar.

I have to give them credit though. They really go out of their way sometimes to try and get me to engage in their reindeer games. Kiba usual tries to drag me into a conversation about different training techniques, and Ten Ten always seems to bring up different ninja tools she's found to be useful. Things they think I would be interested in, but I can never seem to get into the conversation. It's not like I sit there like a statue. I speak when spoken to and I try to be civil despite my ever present snarky attitude, but I don't go out of my way just to make them happy either.

It's easier talking to Shikamaru and Neji because they're not so obvious about trying to get me involved, but it's still frustrating. Things with Naruto around were different, naturally. He was always so lively and vibrant. It was different from the others. When Naruto smiled, wide and cheery, I felt the inexplicable need to smile as well, even if I didn't show it on the outside. When he cracked a joke, no matter how cheesy or completely inappropriate, I had the bizarre urge to laugh. I never understood it. I still don't, but Naruto was the only one capable of making me feel even remotely happy.

He was always encouraging me to try new things and push myself to the limits. In a way, he was sort of like my life coach, encouraging me to try new things, but also aware of my fears and knowing when it was too much for me to handle. One of the most memorable moments during our 'sessions' had to have been when Naruto suggested I apply to become a jounin and become a squad leader. At that point in time, Naruto already had his team and had been going on missions with them. He assured me that it was a rewarding experience and that it was fun bonding with his students. I of course wasn't so easily convinced. I never really thought about kids or becoming a leader. It was never something I aspired to be, but of course Naruto refused to let it go and eventually convinced me to give it a try.

Becoming a jounin was the easy part. Being the soul leader of a 3 man squad was the tough part. Some days I'd come home and break whatever was in my reach out of frustration. I even got suspended for a week after using a few choice words to describe my students in front of the Hokage. Through that entire experience Naruto was by my side helping me move forward. Whenever I was at my breaking point he would pull me back and get me to calm down. It was usually with his mouth, but that's beside the point… The point is Naruto was a never ending source of entertainment. And now that he's gone I just don't give a shit.

I know it's hard on Sakura. She always gives me this annoying look of pity from across the table, and sometimes I feel like becoming more implicated with everyone just to prove to her that I can. But every time I try it just seems pointless. Nothing they say interests me. I don't care that Shikamaru beat his old man at shoji. I don't care that Sia finished another one of his creepy painting. I don't care that Lee ran 360 laps around the village. And I definitely don't care that Ino is thinking about cutting her hair.

No matter what they say or do, no matter how hard they try, it will always be boring.

* * *

Life without Naruto is _quiet_.

Imagine the sound of a fire alarm ringing loudly in your home, waking you from a peaceful slumber, or the sound of a plane flying noisily over your roof, startling you into a jump. That is what life with Naruto was like. All those horrible blasts of sound ringing in your ears 24/7. Back in the day my promised quite time in the evenings used to be the only thing capable of getting me up in the morning and starting my day. But as soon as Naruto and I were romantically involved that part of my life had ended. You know what, that's not true. He was talking my ear off even before we were dating, as soon as I returned to the village to be exact.

It was maddening of course, never seeming to be able to find any time to myself. On the rare occasions I wasn't with Miss Chatty Cathy I would barricade myself in the Uchiha compound, curling up next to the fireplace with a book in one had and a cup of coffee in the other and simply enjoy the peace. Well, I'd enjoy it until Naruto came crashing through the front door, quite literally sometimes. It became very clear to me that I couldn't escape him. Even in the comfort of my own home I would be disturbed. And so it was with a begrudging sigh that I reminded myself that it was me who had chosen to come back. _Me_ who had agreed to be a part of his life again and everything that entitled. If I was going to live through his constant chatter I needed to find ways of coping with it.

Surprisingly enough, I found actually engaging in the conversation with him made it less tedious. Who knew? It was definitely more affective than a nasty glare that only served to make me feel guilty after seeing his thwarted expression. It was never easy, but it became bearable. _Why_ he felt the need to tell me every single detail about his day I'll never understand. It's not like I cared, not at first anyway. Maybe he was purposely trying to annoy me, or maybe he just enjoyed the sound of his own voice. The latter seems more plausible. Either way it was a part of Naruto that wasn't going to disappear over time and I lived with it. Hell I got used to it, accepted it even. It became part of my day, just like a routine.

Silence is a beautiful thing.

That's what I always thought. But I was wrong. So fucking wrong. Every night I come home to our apartment the TV is on playing some stupid comedy show that I've never heard of, just loud enough to be considered background noise. It's not much, but it's _something_. That TV is always on, always providing a source of sound. My electric bills are always through the roof so I have to take on extra missions in my spare time, but I don't mind. In the end, it's worth it. I leave it on during the night so I'll hear it when I wake up, and I leave it on when I leave the house so it'll be on when I get back home. It's never off because I can't stand the fucking _silence_. I hate it. I hate it so much that sometimes it makes me physically ill.

I can normally make it through the days unfazed being surrounded by the noises of nature and the hustle and bustle of the village. But as soon as I get home I know that if that piece of shit TV isn't on the silence will bear down on me like a sword, cutting into my flesh agonizingly slow, tormenting me. I discovered this the hard day one afternoon when Sakura came to visit me at home. She was oblivious to my abhorrence for the quiet, I made it so. I didn't want her to know how weak I had become, how screwed up I really was. Least to say when she shut off the TV, claiming it was giving her a head ache, and I began yelling and thrashing around wildly, she was surprised.

It took her exactly 30 minutes to finally get me to calm down. Even with her arms wrapped around me pulling me into her embrace, and the soft whispers of, "It'll be okay." And, "It's alright. I'm here. I've got you." I couldn't find any source of security in her voice. She can't replace Naruto. She can't replace _him_. From that moment on the TV was never off. But even so, even with that never ending laugh track in the background, without that voice, that ear piercing, skin crawling, _intoxicating_ voice, it was quiet. I would take Naruto's senseless jibber jabber over this any day.

I'd give anything just to escape this quiet.

* * *

Life without Naruto is _cold_.

My life had never really been particularly warm in the first place, it never had the chance to be so, but without Naruto by my side it's so much worse. Whenever I sit on a couch or a chair or a bench, basically anywhere I could rest my aching calves and feet, my body would immediately seek out that source of heat that could only come from another human body sitting at close proximity. A leg absent mindedly pushed up against mine or the slightest brush of the shoulders sending my nerves into overdrive, something I would try to ignore but would always find myself gravitating towards. Most of the time he probably didn't even realize he was doing it, but sometimes his hand would somehow end up on my knee, casually petting it like it was the most natural thing in the world. I expect it to be there, like it always has been. But it isn't.

Even under the boiling rays of the sun in the middle of summer, wearing that thick fabric of a jounins outfit in the shade of navy blue, I feel cold. The nights in particular are the worst. Usually I come home after a mission I had been assigned or after a long day of training and simply collapse into my- _our_ double bed, not even bothering to undress. It's not like wearing pyjamas would bring me a source of comfort anyway. I try my best to spread myself across the mattress, arms and legs stretched out into awkward and uncomfortable positions, but no matter what I do the bed is still too big.

Too empty.

A few of my bolder friends (Kiba, Shikamaru and Ino) had tried to convince me to purchase a smaller one, something more appropriate for my size, but I quickly shut them down with a definite "No." Getting rid of the bed would be like getting rid of the memories it held, memories that I wasn't ready to let go of yet. It would be a betrayal to the memory of what used to be. Simply looking at the thing could break me sometimes. Pathetic I know. Me, an Uchiha whose stared death in the face with not so much as a blink of the eye. Me, whose been through so much trauma and heart ache that it's a miracle that I'm even still sane, could be brought down by a piece of furniture. The tiniest of glances could set me into a state of hysterics, dry sobbing coming from my lips as I collapse onto the floor, body quivering and convulsing.

It was humiliating even by myself, but losing the damned thing would be a million times worse. The bed was a symbol, our safe zone. But as I lay there, eyes staring unblinkingly up at the darkened ceiling, I would wait for the embrace that was almost second nature to me now. The gentle movement of arms circling my waist, pulling me back against a solid chest, spooning me protectively. The quiet whispers in my ear saying things that would probably embarrass me if I hadn't already been so used to them. Breath ghosting over my flesh and igniting a fire on my pale skin. I didn't have to push him away to keep up appearances when we were alone. When we were alone we were the most vulnerable, most desperate. He would hold me so tight that sometimes I couldn't breathe, and I would return his grip with one of my own, clinging to his shirt or whatever piece of him I could grab.

Nothing was ever said about it, a silent agreement to give and take whatever we needed in that moment. Not surprisingly throughout our journey together I discovered that above all else I crave human contact. Naruto's contact if we're going to be specific. It makes sense I suppose. I went through my entire adolescence with not so much as a hand shake, let alone having my body pressed up against someone else's. At the time, the accidental kisses I shared with Naruto had repulsed me because my body didn't know how to respond. It had never experience the sensation of my lips on another, and so it reacted in defence, pulling away in order to protect itself. It's funny how the very thing that had made me so flustered and confused was now my kryptonite. I looked forward to those touches.

I _wanted_ those touches.

Sex wasn't a scheduled event for us but it was never random either. It was something in the air, something in the way we looked at each other. You just _knew_. During our fuck sessions- uh, I mean, _love making_ , my body had been marked in more ways than one. Swelling teeth marks on my shoulder and neck, long lines of red scratches down my sides. I wouldn't say that he was rough with me, but sometimes he would lose himself, falling victim to his own wants and needs. Not that I cared. I liked it when he used me for his own personal pleasure. It set something off deep inside me, something foreign and feral.

But regardless of all that, sex with Naruto was terrible. Not because he wasn't skilled, trust me, I spent many a nights limping around the apartment feeling the intense after glow of the wild marathon sex Naruto somehow convinced me to take part in. (Seriously, that guy could go for _hours_. It's a miracle I can even stand at all.) And it wasn't because I was on the receiving end either. It was terrible because when we engaged in anything even remotely sexual I wasn't Sasuke Uchiha anymore.

Sasuke Uchiha was buried under some invisible wall of desire laid out in my subconscious. I can't explain it. It was like I was a completely different person. I whined, I gasped, I moaned, I pleaded and I begged. Everything that Sasuke Uchiha wouldn't do, my alter ego would. I lost myself, and it was terrifying. Control has always been a comfort for me, as long as there was stability, some type of routine, I was fine. But with Naruto I had absolutely no control. Everything was wild and spontaneous. Some nights I was so repulsed by my own sounds that I forcibly had to cover my mouth to keep myself from soiling my reputation anymore than it already had been.

But Naruto, being the big fucking _tease_ that he was, would gently pull my arms away from my mouth and pin them above my head, going on and on about how beautiful I looked under him, sweating and panting, coming undone, and just how much he loved hearing my strained voice calling his name again and again… Clearly not one of my most honourable moments, but Naruto has always had a way of making things work out in the end. It was just part of his personality. The way he talked to me, comforted me, telling me to just let myself go and just _feel_ him. And when I did finally find the courage to let go I felt relieved some how.

Like I was finally _free_.

So yes, sex with Naruto was terrible. It was terrible because every time it made me realize just how far I had fallen… I can remember it, the way I felt wrapped up in his embrace. I can imagine it, how my body would instantly relax in his hold. But I can't feel it. Whatever warmth the blankets provide me with my body can't process it. It's as if it knows that if it's not Naruto it's not warm. Every night I curl into myself and shiver from a non existing chill.

Every night, I am cold.

* * *

Life without Naruto is _lonely_.

If anyone knows what its like to feel lonely, it's me. I've got it down to a science by now. I've been there- I _was_ there for most of my life. Even if it wasn't exactly true, my brain had convinced me that I was completely alone in the world. That no matter what I did, even if I tried to change, I would always be alone. It consumed me, filled my heart with hate and sorrow. It drowned me in darkness that was so thick sometimes I wondered how I was able to see at all. I was used to it, being alone. At some point in time I had even convinced myself that I liked it. But that was just one of the many lies I had told myself to keep going.

No one likes to be alone. No one truly wants to be alone in the world. If you don't have anyone to keep living for then what's the point? As long as there's someone you care about, you have a reason to keep fighting. Whether it's a group of people or even just one, you'll never be alone. You carry your loved ones with you wherever you go and you fight to the bitter end because you want nothing more than to see them again. To hold them in your arms and tell them how much they mean to you. You don't give up because you know they are waiting for you to return.

I used to think that love made you weak. That it was nothing more than a distraction, and in a way I was right. When you lose that love you lose a part of yourself. You suffer through unimaginable pain while trying to go on living a normal life. You feel lost and empty. Things that once mattered hold no meaning. You lose yourself to that sorrow, and after years of grieving you're never quit the same. Take my word for it. Loosing the people you love destroys you. But I learned over the years that it doesn't just end there. It's more complex than that. There's no denying it, love is our greatest weakness, but it is also our greatest strength.

Love pushes us forward. If you love somebody, you change for them, whether you're conscious of it or not. You essentially become a better person because there's somebody worth changing for. You smile when they smile because you know they're happy. You laugh when they laugh because you want to share their joy. And you cry when they cry because you know they're hurting. You begin to share their emotions. Having that love is like having a never ending source of energy that just keeps pushing and pushing until you reach your goals. You try harder because you know that there's someone out there cheering you one. Everything you do is affected by that one person. For me, Naruto was that one person.

He's the one who pushed me to become a better ninja. He's the one that kept me fighting even when the odds were stacked up against me. He was the one who made me smile even in the darkest of times. He was my greatest rival, but he was also my best friend. He saved me from the darkness in my heart. He gave me a place to call home. He forgave me for all the terrible things I had done in an instant. I am who I am because of him. Like I said, he changed me. He made me feel again. He helped me grieve the life I had lost so many years ago and not once during that time did he leave my side. He got me through all of it, and slowly, the emptiness began to disappear. It was replaced by something much warmer, something soothing. We bought an apartment. We moved in together, and suddenly I wasn't alone anymore. He was always there, even on the rare days I didn't want him to be, he was there.

_Waiting._

And then, just like that, just when I started to feel comfortable in our new life, it was taken from me. The warmth, the light. All of it. Gone. It was like some twisted joke the universe wanted to play on me. To give me such a precious gift and then to take it away so abruptly was… fitting. If only I had realized it sooner, maybe I could have had this peace a little longer. Maybe Naruto and I could have grown together and died two old bitter men who, despite our differences, were completely and undeniably crazy about each other. That was nothing but a pipe dream now, because Naruto is gone. Whatever chance we had at living a long, happy life together has slipped through my fingers. And now what? I'm left with nothing. Nothing but the memories of what I used to have. Nothing but the constant reminder of what could have been. What _should_ have been. I found that one thing worth fighting for and it was taken from me. _Again_.

I am so sick of being lonely _._

* * *

Life without Naruto is _painful_.

I officially hit rock bottom three weeks ago. I never intended for this to become a coping method, but it did. It happened on a slow day. I didn't have any missions and I had finished all the house hold chores for the day, which meant I was left alone in the apartment with nothing to keep me occupied. I panicked. I needed something to distract me. It wasn't my first thought. I tried other things first. Watching the TV gave me a headache. No matter how far I turned the knob, the shower just wasn't hot enough. Clearly I was in no shape to train. And there was no way I could leave the apartment without raising suspicion.

It was a last resort for sure. At least, that's what I tell myself...

In desperation I reached for the kunai sitting on the coffee table and dug the blade into the first patch of skin I could get at. My hand bled more than I had expected it too. It pooled around my feet and soaked into the fabric of the couch, staining it in a dark crimson. The pain, well, it was something, and that's all that mattered. Once I was satisfied, I began the gruelling process of cleaning up the mess. I shouldn't have been so rash. Out of all the places I could have attacked it shouldn't have been my hand. As a ninja you are constantly using hand signs and engaging in hand to hand combat. You can't hide something like that, not when it's in such an obvious place. But that didn't stop me from trying.

I blew off Sakura the next day to get rid of the old couch and buy a new one. I also opened all of the windows to air out the smell, and spent the rest of the day scrubbing the floor. Sakura showed up the next day demanding to know why I had blown her off. I didn't have time to grab my gloves before she came barging in the front door. She noticed my hand almost immediately and asked what happened. I told her I cut it on a piece of glass from an old picture frame. She believed me. Sakura isn't very gullible and I knew my excuses wouldn't work forever. I'm much better at it now. I plan ahead in order to avoid another one of those close calls.

The shower was the most obvious place to start. Clean up isn't necessary and all the evidence gets washed down the drain. It's not rocket science, just common sense. I learned my lesson about placement. It needs to be somewhere that can be kept hidden from prying eyes. Somewhere no one else will be able to see. The thighs are a good option, but there's always the danger of cutting a little too deep and hitting that artery. I guess in some twisted, fucked up way it gives me a thrill knowing I could bleed out at any given moment. I don't look for it, but if it happened I can't say that I wouldn't be thankful.

I want to make it perfectly clear that I don't do this often, only when it's essential for my survival. I'm a smart person. I know it's not the way to deal with my problems. I know it's stupid and reckless and shameful. I _know_ that. I wish that I could take it back. I wish I could go back to that moment and fight through it instead of giving in. But I can't take it back. And now whenever things become too much for me that option is always in the back of my head. Calling me. _Taunting_ me. I don't know if it helps, but it gives me relief, if only for a few minutes. I try my best not to think about what Naruto would say. It would only hurt me more, knowing that I couldn't kick the damn itch.

I can't talk to anyone about this. They wouldn't understand. They'd all just assume I had gone mad and try to stick me into some kind of rehabilitation facility. But I'm not crazy. Granted I'm not entirely sane either. I'm insecure at times, but I'm not crazy. I know, I know. That's what a crazy person would say, but I can prove it. I can still think rationally about things. Like before, I acknowledged that what I'm doing to myself is a bad thing and that I should stop. Every mission I'm assigned I have to think calmly and clearly in order to protect my students. An unstable person wouldn't be capable of protecting others, right? There's no point in denying that I've got some serious issues, but I'm definitely not crazy. I know my limits.

Physical scaring I can handle, it's reality that is truly painful _…_

* * *

Life without Naruto is _unbearable_.

I hate him. I hate him for what he's done to me. I was fine. I was _surviving_. And then he came around, practically out of no where and made me need something I was perfectly capable of living without at the time. He ruined me. You hear that Naruto? This is all your fault. I'm so fucking pissed at you I don't even know where to begin. Do you realize what you've done? Not just to me, but to everyone who's ever known you? Gaara's lost the only friend he ever had, and he's convinced he'll never find another. I can still catch Tsunade sobbing in her office when she thinks no one is around. Sakura puts up a strong front, but I know she spends every other night at your grave telling you about her day. Kakashi hasn't been the same since the day you-...

Ino flat out refuses to even think your name, let alone say it. Shikamaru doesn't talk about you much, but when he does it's nothing but praise. Choji likes to reminisce about all the times the two of you ate ramen together, which eventually ended up turning into a competition. Hinata, well, she never said much in the first place, but I'm assuming she's grieving you on her own time. Kiba's always trying to find someone equally as energetic as you to spar with but he never seems satisfied with the ending result. Although he's still the quietest of the bunch, Shino has mentioned his fond memories of the time you hunted down some kind of beetle, ironically to find me. Neji feels like he owes you so he's always pushing himself as hard as he can in order to look worthy in your eyes. Ten Ten regrets not getting to know you better. Sai has pretty much shut down his emotions, just like when he first came to the village. Lee is taking the whole thing pretty hard, but then again, he's always been an emotional wreck when it came to these types of things.

And that's not even _half_ of the people damaged by your idiocy.

Fumie, Kobo and Masato are devastated. Kobo has convinced himself that he could have saved you from the raid. Of course I told him that was ridicules, but I suppose he wasn't the first twelve year old who thought he was capable of so much more than he could handle… The kids blame themselves you know. They know the only reason you stayed behind was because you were trying to protect them. I know if you could have at the time, you would have told them how proud of them you were. Hell, even I was a little proud. Not a lot of 12 year olds could have dragged a full grown man all the way back to the village like they did. I can't even imagine what they went through, carrying your unconscious body covered in blood for miles and miles without a break… Not a lot of adults could have done that, let alone a few rookie kids. It caused quit a stir throughout the village. Apparently whenever it involves the famous Naruto Uzumaki, news travels fast. I can still hear the gossip in my head clear as day.

_"Did you hear? Naruto Uzumaki was wounded on his mission!"_

_"Is it serious?"_

_"Sounds like it. His students had to carry him all the way back to the village."_

_"Oh how awful! It's such a terrible way to lose a teacher."_

_"Yeah, and I don't even want to think about how his lover is going to react."_

_"Oh, that's right! What was his name again?"_

_"Sasuke Uchiha. That boy isn't known for handling tragedy very well."_

_"Well for his sake I sure hope Naruto makes a full recovery. The last thing we need is another uncontrollable Uchiha terrorizing the village!"_

_"Amen!"_

And you still wonder why I hate the people in this village? On any normal day I would have stopped and tarred them a new one, but I obviously had more important places to be. I ran the whole way to the hospital. Apparently with the right motivation I can match even Lee's inhuman speeds. A few of the nurses actually had the balls to try and stop me from going inside. Even the receptionist refused to tell me what room you were in. I swear if Sakura hadn't have shown up when she did and convinced them to let me through, they would have been dealing with a much smaller staff. I didn't expect the amount of damage that was covering your body.

I had tried to tell myself that you had probably just been scuffed up a bit and that people were overreacting because it was you. But as soon as I saw you I knew it was serious. The deep gashes across your skin seemed out of place. Your cheeks are the only places that should have scars on them. Anywhere else is just unnatural. Your vest was dyed a dark murky colour and your hair was slicked back, yellow mixed with scarlet. They had hooked you up to multiple machines, but I couldn't tell you what they were doing. I only recognized one for sure. I believe it's called a ventilator.

A ventilator helps you breathe.

That means you weren't breathing on your own.

At the time I couldn't understand why I was the only one in the room. Shouldn't they have been in there with me trying to do everything in their power to save you? I now know the truth. They had given up on you and for that I'll never forgive them. They claimed they had done all they could do but that's bullshit. There's always something. I sat next to you for hours bitching about how foolish you were for getting yourself into this mess. I told you we'd all laugh about this some day. _"Hey, remember that time you royally fucked yourself on that lame mission?"_ Yeah, something like that.

Your hand was cold in mine.

Why didn't you open your eyes? Didn't you hear me talking to you? Didn't you hear all of the embarrassing rambling I did? You would have eaten that shit up. I know you would have. It would have made perfect bribe material. Didn't you feel me next to you? You must have felt the wash cloth I used to wipe your face clean. And I _know_ you felt it when I kissed the back of your hand. You always said you cherished my kisses. No matter what state you were in, you never would have passed up something like that. I know there was a tube in your throat, and I know talking would have been impossible, but I wish you could have said something to me. Sometimes I think it would have been easier if you had said something.

Maybe if you could have told me you loved me it wouldn't be so hard. It didn't even have to be that! If you had even told me you hated me I would have appreciated it because then I would have been able to hear your voice again. I can't remember the last thing you said to me. I've tried, believe me I have, but no matter how hard I rack my brain I just can't remember. I like to imagine it was something cheesy that I probably hit you over the head for, it makes it easier. I can forgive you for not speaking to me, but I can't forgive you for not opening your eyes. If there was one thing you could have done for me in the moment it would have been for you to open your eyes and look at me.

I still believe that you and I don't really need words. If you had opened your eyes, I would have been able to know what you were thinking. I could have seen the look of pure adoration and devotion that I knew I never deserved. I could have left that room knowing that even in your last moments on this earth I was still your top priority. But you didn't open your eyes. You didn't do a god damn thing. You just laid there, unresponsive and motionless. It could have been my imagination, but sometimes I think you actually tried to squeeze my hand before the monitors went still. I'll never know the truth, I was distraught. If you did then I guess I owe you an apology. But if you didn't… then that means you really did leave me with nothing.

And for that, I'll hate you forever.

I don't beg often. But I begged for that. I begged for it and you didn't give it to me. You're the devil, you know that? No. You're more like an evil angel. Did you want me to suffer? It doesn't sound like you, but maybe you secretly always wanted me to hurt. Serve penance for all the horrible things I had done to you. In that case, then well done Naruto. You've succeeded in turning my life into a living hell. I am suffering because of you. I lost my entire family and now I've lost you as well. I hate you, but I can't stop loving you. Whatever heaven you found, I hope you're happy there. I hope you're enjoying watching me suffer, because that's the only condolence I have anymore.

This town.

These people.

This apartment.

The notion that I am never going to see your captivating blue eyes or your wide, toothy grin again.

Knowing that I have to go on living without you by my side…

It's unbearable…

* * *

Life without Naruto?

Ha. It doesn't exist. This is my punishment. God knows I deserve it. But Naruto didn't. He deserved so much more. He deserved to become Hokage and have his dreams come true. He deserved to be happy and safe for the rest of his life, spreading his light across the nation. He deserved so much more from me. He deserved _everything_. In case you're wondering, no, I'm not going to take the easy way out. I don't deserve to escape from this. I am going to live my life without him. And everyday that I'm alive I will regret not being there to protect him. I will regret ever letting him get out of the bed that morning. But most of all, I'll regret never being able to thank him for what he's done for me, what he's done for all of us.

_Naruto Uzumaki is a poison._

_There's no cure, just a never ending burning hole where my heart should be._

_If I told you I loved you, would you hear me?_

_Would you even care…?_

**Author's Note:**

> It's just a story... It's just a story... IT'S NOT REAL! Okay, well I need to go do some ugly sobbing into my pillow. Thank you so much for reading and If I made you sad... well... sorry, but I think that's kinda awesome haha. XD Please leave me a comment letting me know what you think and some good old Kudos ;D TTFN!


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